Excerpt from my Long Term Goal Essay

In the past, I've posted excerpt from my family essay ( that I assumed help me get into Anderson ), so here's another one of my LT goal:

In a departure from the office, my recent trip to Indonesia has also helped me reshape my long term goals. I was accompanying my family to travel to remote areas of the country – the contrast in living condition between the locals and those living in the capital struck me profoundly. After much thought, I recalled the story of a businesswoman in India who had set up a microfinancing company to provide women living in isolated parts of her country with small business loans. These loans allowed the poor to advance their economic standing as well as attain their independence. I realized that the business model of microfinancing would apply equally well to the situation I had witnessed in Indonesia. My long term goal is therefore to set up a company that issues micro-loans in remote areas of my country in the near future. It is evident that my current work in the field of investment debt provides an excellent foundation, however, I intend to further develop my ideas at Anderson through its [say club name].

So, I hope you guys can note that from my two excerpts, I try to show :
1. something personal
2. something in the past that makes me what/who I am right now, makes me want to do something, explains my motivation for the future.. and that's why in the present I'm pursuing an MBA.. ah life is a circle ( HAHA I remember my literature class while studying "Joy Luck Club" : it's a circle. the begining is the end and the end is the beginning")
3. something different ( everyone will write about their work experience and how they go beyond the expected and bla bla bla.. this is good! Yes.. but try to inject something else.. something personal, some explanation why you went beyond)

Happy essay-ing!